Many vendors have been trying for years to produce a frozen pizza that does not taste like a homeless guys crotch. It has been a difficult task. Recently though I have found a little gem in that crotch. Something worth digging for.
I will not tire you with a buffetesque review of the various pizzas out there as I am sure you all know how crappy it is. Instead I will point out the ONE I found that really does not taste that bad. Now I should underscore that this is relative. In pizzaology terms it's still dreadful but for that tasty last minute snack before bed, it could be considered a life saver.
I try to keep my freezer filled with many choices for my never ending snack attacks. Hungry-Man dinners, one dollar burritos, and yes various frozen pizza things. In the late hours of the night, especially when all of the delivery options are no more, it is the stocked freezer that keeps us all from being quitters.
This particular Digiorno was on sale at the local Ralphs so naturally it ended up in my ice box. I wasn't drawn to it over the others for any real reason. It was simply "on sale". I had long since given up on frozen pizza doing anything more than soaking up a nights booz'n in my gut at this point. Soon I would be in for a surprise.
So the time had come. It was around 2:30am, I was recovering slowly from half a bottle of Jack Daniels and I found myself standing in front of my freezer, pants at my ankles. A blurry scan over what to grab for and my eyes slowly drifted to a rest on that bright red box. I could make out, "THREE MEAT PIZZA." Well that was good enough for me. I snatched it out and then quickly screamed in pain as this started a cascade of frozen food dumping to the floor. I must remember to pack things in the frozen void better than this. I picked up and crammed what I could back in. Whatever didn't fit I knew I could just eat along side the pizza.
I wandered over to the microwave and tore open the box. I was not prepared for what I saw. Apparently aliens have given up on an invasion from space. They now ship their flying saucers in frozen pizza containers. Laying dormant waiting in patience for the attack. I knew as soon as I opened the plastic, which was obviously a cryogenic seal, that end of mankind would be at hand. Then I remembered how much I had to drink this night and I was over reacting. So I tore it open. The world didn't come to an end.
After some initial confusion, I ended up with something like what you see to the right.
After five minutes I was ready to munch.
Crispy, tender, my god it tastes like PIZZA! The cheese all nice and bubbly with that nice crusted glaze over it, it's heaven! I was drooling as I took every bite. The sauce only mildly bitter with some soft overtones of sweetness. I was astonished at the thickness and crispiness of the crust again with every bite! Has Kraft foods finally done it? I have to say yes!
The next afternoon when I awoke and was sober I tried another one to be sure. EVEN BETTER! I could make out all the flavors this time. The sausage was not fatty and slimy but meaty. I now know all other frozen pizzas were no longer an option. These Digiorno microwave pizzas are the only ones I ever need to bother with. I can only hope they make a larger size for the 12" platter microwaves. Like the one I employ. That truly would be heaven in a homeless mans crotch!
